there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
