Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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