she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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