Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
