Are we in a gay sports bar?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
