I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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