happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
