Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
