so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
