I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
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Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
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You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
40s are totally the cure
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
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