my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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