I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
