Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
