Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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