Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
