There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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