Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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