Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
People in love make me want to vomit
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
