i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
