Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
