Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
