I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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