someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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