No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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