Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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