Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
