textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
