you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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