You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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