He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
