i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
