worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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