I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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