I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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