just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
