i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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