I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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