How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
