Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
