I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
