I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
