One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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