Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
