I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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