my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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