Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
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this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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