im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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