That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
