Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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