When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
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I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
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He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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