So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
