At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
