I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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