I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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