one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
