the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS