that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals