I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
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The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
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I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.