Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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