Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
