New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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