Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
