Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
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